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XFLROCKS! commentary guest column virtual commish where are they now? home page

This is totally a fiction account. But it would be nice if it actually happened. Now after much hype, the Virtual Commish...






virtual commish, brief third installment:

8/17/01. The XFL Draft is no more. “With eight teams in their first year, the previous system made sense to where a team needed to build an entire roster without any territorial conflicts,” according to XFL VP/Football Ops & QC Dick Butkus. “Now not only is the football smashmouth, so is the battle for free agents. This will make for exciting press.”


8/19/01. A three way deal. QB Jay Barker goes to Orlando from the old Birmingham now Phoenix squad, Kevin Swayne goes to LV from Orlando and QB Mark Grieb goes to Phoenix from LV.


8/20/01 Expect Druck and Crandell to get some competition. The Memphis Maniax have signed New Orleans Saints QB Jake Delhomme for the 2002 season. “It’s obvious that I need playing time to keep from being rusty. I hope all the fans understand..”


8/21/01 Memphis’s masterstroke has created a QB controversy. HC Kippy Brown pushed hard for the acquisition of Delhomme. “It’s obvious New Orleans head coach Jim Haslett has wanted Delhomme out the door since he became a head coach. It’s a shame because he’s a guy who’s had raw talent that was nurtured and he’s one of those guys that has a major willingness to continue to learn and now he’s really at the point where he could start for an NFL team. I would be out of my mind with him available and to not pull the trigger.”

QB’s Jim Druckenmiller and Marcus Crandell have both requested trades. Druck was upset when he heard the news of Delhomme’s acquistion. “As far as I’m concerned there’s no QB controversy, trade me please!” Crandell was more philosophical. “I’m just happy I’m paid to play football. But yes, in answering your question, I’ve requested a trade.”

Memphis bolsters its defense: The Memphis Maniax announce that QB Druck is traded to the NY/NJ Hitmen for LB Ron “Big Merk” Merkerson. NY/NJ waives QB Charles Puleri.

Another Memphis trade: QB Marcus Crandell for RB Leshon Johnson.



Friday July 13, 2001, Atlantic City N.J.:

XFL President Basil Devito has announced that he will leave the XFL two months from today to continue to work under WWFE chairman Vince McMahon. Devito will remain with the XFL until 9/13/01 to help the transition for incoming league president Drew Pearson. Vice President of football ops Mike Keller will resign from his position, those duties are already split between league commish Blind Memphis Slim and Dick Butkus who will hold the position of Vice President of Football Operations and Quality Control. Slim’s new title will be Vice President of League Operations and Marketing. Butkus will oversee rules, players and game play for the second year league and report to Pearson.

V.P. of Football Ops, Butkus had this to say involving the 2002 season. “We look to greatly improve league play. The spirit of what made football great; hard hits, great competitive games and giving 120% on the field will be brought out even stronger in this upcoming season.”

V.P. of League Ops and Marketing Blind Memphis Slim had a couple of bombshells to drop concerning league configuration in 2002. “We’d like to thank the fans in Birmingham who supported the league in 2001. Regretfully, we have to let all of you loyal fans there, that the XFL has pulled the Bolts team out of Birmingham and will move it to another location.” When asked about where the team could land, Slim gave a couple of hints. “As you know toward the end of last season, there were expansion talks under the previous ownership that would’ve potentially placed teams in Washington D.C. and Detroit and talks have been revived with representatives in both markets. There has been calls made to us by representatives in two top ten television markets in addition to interest by a representative in a southern U.S. market. All three cities will remain nameless until actual meetings have been held with these representatives.” The other bombshell involved an exhibition season. “There will be two exhibition games for each team and all the games will be played at neutral sites that do not have XFL or NFL franchises at this time. The XFL will market these games as the “Xhibition Tour”.

The formatting of the games will be different from the regular season games according to Butkus. "The first quarter will be just like a typical XFL first quarter. The second quarter ALL players on the offensive side of the ball will be considered eligible receivers. The third quarter will be the rugby rules quarter and in the fourth quarter, both teams offenses will go into the no-huddle. These are styles of play that will keep players and play motivated, challenging and will toughen up players for the upcoming season.”




Friday, July 20, 2001, Atlantic City, NJ:

The XFL announces the three other cities in the running for the transplanting Bolts franchise: Atlanta, Phoenix and San Antonio.




Tuesday July 24, 2001, Atlantic City, NJ:

A deal done in the “25th hour” of 7/24/01 will move the Bolts to Phoenix. Phoenix GM Tim Berryman will remain in that capacity according to XFL incoming president Drew Pearson. Head Coach Gerry Dinardo will not return. Berryman has already been interviewing a host of candidates including former NFL head coaches Norv Turner and Mike Riley. A team name/mascot has yet to be determined.




Wednesday. August 15, 2001, Phoenix, AZ:

The XFL sure doesn’t disappoint when it comes to controversy...XFL VP/League Ops/Marketing Blind Memphis Slim announced that the team’s name will be the Phoenix DesertMafia. They will play in the newly renamed Western X Division with Las Vegas, Los Angeles and San Francisco. Memphis moves to the Eastern X Division with New York/New Jersey, Chicago and Orlando. “We wondered about the team name ourselves,” quipped Slim. “But that ground had already been broken with NY/NJ’s name, the Hitmen.” The former Birmingham team’s move turned out to be geographically convienent for the Western X. “With Phoenix in the mix, you have a natural rivalry with Las Vegas. Travel costs will be reduced with four teams in reasonable vicinity of each other for division games."


Western X

Las Vegas Outlaws
Los Angeles Xtreme
Phoenix DesertMafia
San Francisco Demons

Eastern X

Chicago Enforcers
Memphis Maniax
NY/NJ Hitmen
Orlando Rage


A new head coach has been announced for Phoenix. Dallas Cowboys’ assistant and former special teams hard hitter Bill Bates gets the nod.


The XFL Xhibition Tour schedule has also been announced:

Thursday, 1/25/02

Memphis vs. Orlando @ Toronto, ON
NY/NJ vs Chicago @ Montreal, ON
Los Angeles vs San Francisco @ Tokyo
Phoenix vs Las Vegas @ Mexico City

Thursday, 2/1/02

Phoenix vs. Memphis @ Albuquerque, NM
San Francisco vs. Chicago @ Des Moines, IA
Los Angeles Xtreme vs. New York/New Jersey @ San Antonio, TX
Orlando vs Las Vegas @ Tulsa, OK

Coming soon, another installment of the Virtual Commish. We'll hear more from "Dick Butkus" on the modifications to the rules for the 2002 XFL season and much more...